So, its 5:30 Saturday morning and I know I should be sleeping because I have to be at school today at 2pm, but I find myself waking up every night, and really not getting a full nights sleep. So I figured I could right. Maybe if I get some things off my chest, I will be able to fall back asleep. So here goes...
Have you ever heard of the movie "Never Been Kissed?" I know I have seen it, but I don't remember the entire plot. It was something about a 30 something year old never being kissed. Well, that's kind of how I feel right now but a little different. Instead of "Never Been Kissed," how I'm feeling is more like "Never Been Hugged." Do you understand? If not, let me explain...
The girl in the movie never knew what is was like to be kissed so she really didn't know what she was missing. However, I know what it feels like to be hugged. Being protected and loved is how I feel when someone I love gives me a hug. Well I haven't been hugged and I dunno, maybe its just all in my head, but I really feel as though something is missing. I haven't given a hug or been hugged since September 5th. Today is the 27th. That's 22 days without feeling the warmth and love of another.
I guess I took it for granted before because there was always someone there to hug or sit under or cuddle with. I'm a person that loves company (only of those who I care for) and doesn't like to be alone for too long, so this experience is very different from what I'm use to. Although I go and hang out with people regularly, when I come home, there's no one here. No one to talk to. No one to ask how my day is, and most importantly, no one to give a hug to when I need one most. Maybe I should have thought about that before I came here. But like I said, I just took them for granted and never thought about what the lack of a hug could do to a person.
I remember being in church one New Year's and someone was up talking and said that people didn't know how much they affected her. When she came to church every week, and she would get hugs from her church members, it would make her not just her day but her week. To know that someone was there if she needed them and cared about her. Now I know that I have people who care for and love me, but not being able to embrace them is kind of affecting me. I talked to a friend earlier in the week about feeling alone and not knowing if this was the right place for me to be. He gave me some Bible verses to read and I must say it did help, and I talked to my mom earlier and she "sent" me a hug. I loved the thought but her cyber hug and reading isn't filling that void that I have.
Am I making sense? I dunno. Maybe because its 5:53 in the morning and I'm still sick (I lost my voice yesterday) and a little groggy so I'm rambling. Maybe you understand. Maybe you don't. But I just know I could really use a hug right about now.
I guess I should try to go back to sleep. Only about four more hours until I have to get up.
Until Next Time...
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2 comments:
babygirl,
I'm so sorry that your having such a hard time.
I thought and still do think that this is an amazing opportunity for you. And I believe that after you get over this hurdle you'll have a great time.
You have always had someone with you; me, daddy, kj, everett grandmom, roomates,your church family or friends. I'm sure to go from that to no one is hard, and it probably doesn't help when you cant reach someone when you need to talk. You probably start thinking that we are just going about our lives while you're stuck and alone.
You couldn't be further from the truth. You are always in my thoughts and prayers, you have so many people rooting for you and loving you from afar, and someone is always praying for you. My constant prayer for you is that God help you find the strength to handle whatever you come across.
Eventhough I thought that this was a great opportunity, the mother in me screamed "Dont Go" but you know that unless I thought something was bad for you, I would never tell you not to do something. I've always encouraged you to reach for the stars and mooon.
I know that you can do this, eventhough it's hard at times. I dont want you to come home and then have regrets 1, 5 or 10 years down the road.
Try to embrace your solitude, get comfortable with yourself and you'll be so much better off.
If there is no struggle, there is no growth, you know that nothing worth having is easy, and I thing that this is an experience worth having but more importantly....you have to think it.
Luv ya and miss ya much.
Mommy
Baby I know how you feel and its funny that I was talking about this to you last night. I cant say I know how you feel but I kno wat its like to come home without having that person to hug you and keep you company during the day and especislly at night. So I understand your struggle bookie. I kno the physical aspect is missing but please dont lose your spiritual or mental aspect. You kno I will always love you and I am always here for you. Lean on me when you are struggling. And wen I get there, I dont think theres anything that will keep me off you. Youre gonna have to goto school with me on your back lol. Like your mom said, you're gonna look back on this years from now glad that you did it. Times are rough now but trouble dont ast always :) Can I get an amen?! Hallelujah! Keep the faith, stay strong, and you know my prayers are with you everyday.
I love you Bookike
-Kory
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